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Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Rainbows Come After the Storm

I've decided to do another post about the miscarriage issue. I think it's important (if only for my own peace of mind) to explain a little more about the emotions of miscarriage, loss, recovery, life after, and trying to become pregnant with a rainbow baby.

Learning to try to live life "normally" again, as if your child didn't exist and your world didn't stop in an instant is probably the worst part of it all. Because people forget, and it's like no one cares anymore that you still are thinking about your child and haven't moved on. Moving on... that's exactly the hardest part. The world continues to move on, even though you are still reeling over why no one else has stopped. You know you too, must move forward even if you aren't moving on. That is scary.  The guilt of trying to "go back" to life is overbearing as to do that, one must actually put down the weight of their miscarriage if even for just a portion of their day. For me at least, it felt like putting down my child and forgetting about them for a while. Guilt stabs at you for that.

Yet, you learn how to manage. You smile again, laugh again, go back to making dinner, going to work. Your routine. And then you remember and your whole world stops again and you feel ripped in two. How many times I've cried for my child and wondered why me, of all people. I'm not perfect. I'm not a perfect mom. But damn it, I loved my child and wanted my child, and as my due date approaches I find myself once again trying to understand why it's me who doesn't get to hold their baby at the end.

For some of us, who go back to trying to conceive and carry a baby to term in the wake of loss, it brings additional emotions of guilt, fear, anger, bitterness, and hope. You are hoping so hard that this time, this time you will get to hold your baby at the end of it all. You will get your rainbow, you hope. But what if your baby thinks you are trying to replace him/her? Would they be mad at you? Even if you understand why miscarriages happen, you wonder what could be so special this time around to warrant deserving this pregnancy and baby? Anger at why it may have worked this time but not last time. You want all your babies, and you still can't understand why you can't have them all.

So here's where I'm at. I got my positive pregnancy test on October 5. My grandfather's anniversary. Definitely just one baby this time, after it was determined my last two pregnancies were twins. One heartbeat, tiny little thing. I usually get two due dates, and this time is no different. Baby is due around June 11 or June 20. I'm still holding my breath. I had my ultrasound today and even though it's comforting that baby is in there, and has a heart beat...it's still nerve-wracking because you know that that's just for today. That's just this time. You still have plenty of time to get heartbroken again. I'm simultaneously relieved and scared shitless. Simultaneously hopeful and heartbroken that I have to do this all over again (worry, puke, worry, hope, pray...that things work out this time). Trying not to be bitter because you know that regardless of how hard you hope and pray, you know that you have exactly zero control over the ultimate outcome despite how bad you want it.

That's exactly how it is. At least for me and the moment I am in now.

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

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