Seems to be a lot of that going around lately. I neglected to leave out a "life update" in my last post, because I was waiting to announce it when I was ready. I got a positive pregnancy test on March 30, several days after I should have gotten my period. I planned to announce in May, at the end of the first trimester.
Then, the night before I was supposed to be 7 weeks, I began spotting. Trying not to panic, I waited til the next day to see if it stopped and called the midwife. She was at a conference, but agreed to meet me the following day (despite not keeping office hours on Sundays.) So we drove out the 45 minutes and got distressing news.
Not only was my uterus completely empty - meaning I couldn't have possibly been pregnant, nor miscarried, but I had a cyst on my ovary. A corpus luteal cyst. It is basically a hormonal cyst - filled with fluid; "harmless" except in rare cases when it needs to be removed for being too large. Basically, somewhere along the line my body improperly disposed of a corpus luteum, and it became a cyst. Since the corpus luteum is what supports early pregnancy, my body believes it's pregnant. Even though it isn't. I have many symptoms of early pregnancy, but no baby to show for it. When all I want is a healthy pregnancy and baby, I cannot express in words how utterly devastating it is to be betrayed by your body in such a way. Even further, because my body thinks it's in a state of early pregnancy, it is very unlikely I will ovulate until it pops or goes away (which can be 3 months or more.)
That in itself is such a huge disappointment. I have already waited over a year to begin trying to conceive again. We've already tried for six cycles. And now I must wait again, before I will even get the chance to begin trying again. If you had asked me when my daughter was born, how long I thought it would be before I had another baby to hold, I would not have told you three years. Well, that's about how old she'll be. Double the age-gap I was hoping for. It is utterly and completely frustrating to be diligently working to be healthy and the best mother for my daughter; to have almost no control over having a very much wanted second baby. I let myself get attached to this pregnancy - after all, I was having symptoms and started to pooch.
Life rarely works out the way we plan it - something I understand very well. It just feels crappy when you feel everything is stacked against you when you are doing everything right. It's frustrating. Infuriating. Disappointing. It's hard not to let it consume you, too. To live now instead of spending all your time re-planning your future. I can't just "go with the flow." I'm not that kind of person, and when I've attempted it, it always ends very poorly. Just a crappy, crappy place to be in right now.
I'm trying to throw myself in projects I love but it is very hard to concentrate. We'll so how it is in a while after some of the shock and upset wears off. But for now, I'm just trying to get through the day without digging myself into a pit.
Then, the night before I was supposed to be 7 weeks, I began spotting. Trying not to panic, I waited til the next day to see if it stopped and called the midwife. She was at a conference, but agreed to meet me the following day (despite not keeping office hours on Sundays.) So we drove out the 45 minutes and got distressing news.
Not only was my uterus completely empty - meaning I couldn't have possibly been pregnant, nor miscarried, but I had a cyst on my ovary. A corpus luteal cyst. It is basically a hormonal cyst - filled with fluid; "harmless" except in rare cases when it needs to be removed for being too large. Basically, somewhere along the line my body improperly disposed of a corpus luteum, and it became a cyst. Since the corpus luteum is what supports early pregnancy, my body believes it's pregnant. Even though it isn't. I have many symptoms of early pregnancy, but no baby to show for it. When all I want is a healthy pregnancy and baby, I cannot express in words how utterly devastating it is to be betrayed by your body in such a way. Even further, because my body thinks it's in a state of early pregnancy, it is very unlikely I will ovulate until it pops or goes away (which can be 3 months or more.)
That in itself is such a huge disappointment. I have already waited over a year to begin trying to conceive again. We've already tried for six cycles. And now I must wait again, before I will even get the chance to begin trying again. If you had asked me when my daughter was born, how long I thought it would be before I had another baby to hold, I would not have told you three years. Well, that's about how old she'll be. Double the age-gap I was hoping for. It is utterly and completely frustrating to be diligently working to be healthy and the best mother for my daughter; to have almost no control over having a very much wanted second baby. I let myself get attached to this pregnancy - after all, I was having symptoms and started to pooch.
Life rarely works out the way we plan it - something I understand very well. It just feels crappy when you feel everything is stacked against you when you are doing everything right. It's frustrating. Infuriating. Disappointing. It's hard not to let it consume you, too. To live now instead of spending all your time re-planning your future. I can't just "go with the flow." I'm not that kind of person, and when I've attempted it, it always ends very poorly. Just a crappy, crappy place to be in right now.
I'm trying to throw myself in projects I love but it is very hard to concentrate. We'll so how it is in a while after some of the shock and upset wears off. But for now, I'm just trying to get through the day without digging myself into a pit.
